16 Stages of Finals

1. A week before your exam, when you feel like you have all the time in the world.

2. When all of a sudden the test is in two days.

3. So you open your books, but you’re immediately bored.

4. And when someone asks you if you’re ready for the test?

5. But then they suggest going out…

6. And the next morning, you wake up with regret and a pile of work.

7. So when you finally roll out of bed at an early 2:00 pm, you load up on coffee.

8. You gather your friends.

9. And you head to the library.

10. You feel like everything is finally going the right direction.

11. Until you print your paper and you notice a spelling mistake.

12. And suddenly everything is wrong and you can’t believe you didn’t pay attention all semester and now look what you’ve gotten yourself into and you convince yourself you’re going to fail out of college and your parents will be so disappointed that they’ll disown you and you’ll have to live on the streets and beg with (grammatically correct) cardboard signs and hope that people will take pity on you and buy you a coffee once in a while to remind you what the good old days of college were like. So you sit on the floor with your ice cream and cry.

13. You decide that outfits like this are socially acceptable.

14. And at midnight the night before the exam, you finally get your shit together.

15. And when the test appears on your desk hours later, you decide there’s nothing you can do except leave it to the higher powers.

16. As soon as you turn in the paper, you find the closest place where you can finally lay down and sleep.

Good luck, everyone. You got this. And if you don’t, just remember that nobody else does either.

And finally, to quote Shakespeare, “Doomsday is near; Die all, die merrily.”

Frequently Asked Questions (For Which I Remain Answerless)

The confusing, “Hey, how are you?” in passing when really all that is needed is a “hey” or even just a smile or a head nod. Come on, this is just awkward no matter what. You can choose to answer the question, but then the person never has time to respond because you’re already tens of feet away from one another. Or, you can choose to just say “hey” in return, but then the “how are you” part just hangs there in the air between you. Furthermore, it’s not like when you ask this question accompanied with a wave you actually care how the other person is doing. There are very clearly defined correct answers to this question, including (but not entirely limited to): good, fine, tired, awesome, alright, meh, you know… it’s Monday. How would someone respond if you actually told them how you are doing? Like, “Hey, how are you?” “Oh, you know, pretty shitty actually. My friends are fighting and trying to force me into the middle of it, my best friend won’t text me back, I’m pretty sure I’m PMSing, I got a C on a paper I expected to do well on, I’m tired as fuck, my roommate won’t watch The Bachelor with me because ‘she has too much work to do,’ I have to go to a meeting I really don’t want to go to in which a bitchy coworker will try to teach me how to be a better person, and midterms are about to start. How are you?” I’ve always been a little curious as to what someone would do if I answered like this, but then I’m also pretty sure that person would never talk to me again, so I’ve never risked it. Maybe I will some day when I’m feeling ballsy. Probably not. I think we need to change the way we address one another when we don’t actually care about the other person – I think a simple “hey” is sufficient, but it feels more intimate to pretend you care. So I guess we’ll just continue to pretend we’re fine, because, let’s face it, we probably don’t want to hear about their problems either.