1. Yes, you counted correctly, the first five days after the weekend is the entire week.
2. Some days? Wait… is this not supposed to be the highlight of every day?
3. If the bag is not resealable, the serving size is one. End of story.
4. It’s funny that you think my best friend doesn’t know every single little fact about me.
5. But after sweatpants, sassy pants are my next most comfortable pair.
7. Seriously though.
8. “Oh my god, you’re so white!” Thank you, Captain Obvious, I actually never noticed that before.
9. And it can only be six characters long. Go.
10. Because, let’s be real, cheese > everything else.
12. No. No no no no no no. Your online presence validates mine! Come back!
13. Yes, we’re going to third-wheel you. Deal with it.
14. And now I can cross that nap off my to-do list.
15. I have to go, Justin just pulled up in our pink limo with our 4 pet alligators.
16. It’s just as uncomfortable as missing the last step, but 500% more embarrassing.
17. “Number 14 receives a two minute penalty for tripping.”
18. And when I zone out when you’re talking, that’s a vertical life pause.
19. If you know what I mean… ;)
(and if you don’t, you need to put your mind a little farther into the gutter)
20. It’s like a homemade shag carpet! No…?
21. Would you like a shovel to help you with that hole you’re digging yourself?
22. What. It’s not a total lie. I weighed that once.
23. Oh, you did see me yesterday? Don’t worry, I totally did laundry last night…
24. And also this apple to balance it out. And then a piece of pizza because the apple was just so healthy.
25. Well it’s not like it could take care of itself.
26. See, it’s funny because there are two more cupcakes on my plate.
27. Hah. Take that!
28. There’s an entire inning left. You’re not fooling anyone.
29. Do you know how much stretching that takes? I have to bend, like, all the way over.
30. To work out or to not work out. That’s not even a question.
31. Come on, who are you kidding?
32. It was definitely Friday earlier today. No, it was. I could’ve sworn it was…
33. When Dermot Mulroney says this in “The Wedding Date,” I melt. Every time.
34. Is that really so much to ask for?
35. Let’s be real, if I’ve even matched my socks it’s a good day.
36. Last week I only got out of bed because someone posted on Facebook about SVU. I wish I was joking.