Sometimes fires happen… and when they do, all sorts of funny comments get made. Because what better way to deal with scary things like fire than to make jokes about them? Tonight the apartment next door to me had a small-ish (serious enough that we all had to evacuate, not serious enough that anyone got hurt) fire, which, in turn, made all of their sprinklers come on, the fire department show up, and everyone and their mother’s houses get flooded.
While standing outside, waiting for Campus Safety and/or the fire department to show up (they didn’t catch on until we called them), the following things were said:
“Oh wait, it’s a real fire? I should go get my housemates…”
“I was right in the middle of ‘It Wasn’t Me!’ I wanted to listen to the rest of that.”
“It’s my fault, I left the stove on. And maybe the oven…”
Later, on the phone to campus safety:
“Hi, yeah there’s a fire and I can see the smoke and stuff, I think someone left something on the stove and it caught on fire…” “What does it smell like?”
WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT DOES IT SMELL LIKE, IT SMELLS LIKE A FIRE, FOOL. ARE YOU GOING TO ASK ME WHAT COLOR IT IS NEXT?!
When Campus Safety and the fire department showed up (approximately 15 minutes later):
“That fire truck just drove past us… maybe we should flag the next one down, taxi style.”
(Sarcastically) “So, like, can we go back inside now?” “NO! Nobody can go back inside!” “I was joking… I guess it’s not a time for jokes…” (Duly noted, fires=not a time for jokes)
“I told our neighbors they can put the stuff that got wet from the sprinklers in our house to let it dry out.” “They should just put it next to the fire.”
“We should see if any of the firemen are hot.” “I meet a lot of firemen on tinder, maybe I know one of them! Excuse me, do I know you from tinder?”
When we were allowed to go back inside:
“There is a flood in our kitchen.” “Give me the sponge, I’ll clean it up!” “… It’s a fucking pond, you’re gonna clean it up with a sponge?”
“Oh wait, I have a bucket!” “At least somebody came prepared.” “I’m sorry I didn’t come expecting a flood…” “Flood or zombie apocalypse, I got us covered.”
“Lady Campo just changed in our house and you missed it!”
“I really don’t think a towel is gonna work to mop up that lake. Anyone have a shamwow?”
When the people with the water vacuum came in (45 minutes after the fire happened):
“The emergency responders should be here soon.”
I’m sorry, what? EMERGENCY RESPONDERS, doesn’t that imply that they show up DURING the emergency? Where are they coming from, Albany?
Overheard from the water vacuum guy’s walkie talkie: “There’s water in the hillside apartments from a fire” “You’re fifteen minutes late, but thanks.”
Moral of the story:
Despite the jokes that got made, I did learn some very important lessons from this experience: never trust that Campus Safety or the fire department is going to show up just because they are supposed to; never leave the house without your phone; never leave a pot with oil on the stove and forget about it; don’t make jokes during fires (at least not loud enough for people to hear you); and NEVER leave your quesadilla on the table when there is a very serious threat of sprinklers.